“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
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Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Look at this
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry