I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”