[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
felt that
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline