PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
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Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.