Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
good let them take over I have had enough
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”