Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”