Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
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My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Easy enough.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.