Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Netflix: We have Less
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
*limbos away from your hug*
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
this is how life feels
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.