It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid