My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
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Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
This makes total sense…
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.