I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]