Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.