At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
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If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.