[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.