I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
You Might Also Like
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Ovenable?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
North and South
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Yep.