I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.