I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.