Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.