Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
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On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Breaking news:
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19