So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My circle of trust is a meatball
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves