me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
You Might Also Like
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.