Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
this post was so formative to me
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.