My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
You have been warned.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate