I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.