Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.