Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
You Might Also Like
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
This could be us but you eatin’
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Good news
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.