scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
i will not be silenced
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is