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2023 was just a warmup
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
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Me: Same.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree