in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
some cats are just doing for fun!
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“You’d better run, egg!”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom