INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he鈥檚 right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Marriage counselor: ok, let鈥檚 reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula鈥檚 wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
DM: hi I鈥檓 Emily and I live in your area 馃拫
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it鈥檚 important to note that I can鈥檛 swim.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My Sister: My baby doesn鈥檛 sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don鈥檛 read those books.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry