Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
You Might Also Like
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen