all bases covered
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“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
shit just got real
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
They’re on their honeymoon
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice