Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
japanese corn
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said