” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.