*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.