wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!