What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Wasps: bees, but not helping