my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Cats (2019)
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
this isn’t threatening at all
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
The best shot in the history of golf
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??