[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
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Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
a public service announcement
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.