out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you