“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
You Might Also Like
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.