Just a friendly reminder!
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*