[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I’m having an out of money experience.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987