I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Saturday
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I like long walks away from everyone
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager