I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
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Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
you gotta be faster
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”