I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor