At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Pickled cat.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
incredible
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill