Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”