“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
You Might Also Like
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Remember folks 😂
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*