Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
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I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
road rage
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.